The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
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Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
This kid will have a bright future.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
*performs CPR on the turkey*
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined