the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
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Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Sign at work today
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I’m the neighbor
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.