Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am

You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”

It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.