Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

Fight

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”

God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!

Police: Sir, you account is hacked.

Me: Twitter?

Police: No, bank account.

Me: Oh, thank god !!

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.

sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X