Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”

HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you