Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*

I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

good morning

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

Saw your ex at the shops

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do