Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit

me: (11 pm) 😴

me: (1 am) 😴

me: (3 am) 😴

me: (5 am) 😴

me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.

My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?