Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.

This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.

You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

[pointing to a gravestone]

I’ll have what HE’S having!

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.