The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Ugh
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
what?
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
