Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

O Wise One….

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad

Me: so happy music makes me happy

Therapist: yea

Me: and sad music makes me sad

Therapist: yea

Me: and I’m sad

Therapist: yea

Me: therefore I should listen to sad music

Therapist: so close

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.

My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”

Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

Tony Hawk, age 6

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.