Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.

It’s for plane enthusiasts.

What were you thinking?

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?

Spent two days in bed with the flu and didn’t have to make dinner. So now I’m thinking about pulling a Grandpa Joe and staying in bed to get out of making dinner for another decade

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

no one:

me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him

40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU

Him: I got that dog in me

Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!