The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
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how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
All is fair in drunk and war.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Lmao
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this