Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.