Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set

hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!

adorable snowman: rawr

hikers: awwww

*starts eating them*

hikers: AWWWW

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”

Me: Only 12 months to go

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: Us.

Wife:

Me: You’re leaving us.

Wife:

Me: Also, why?

Wife: *Sigh*

Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.