The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
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We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…