@sixfootcandy

The 5 second rule doesn’t count if you have a 3 second dog.

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@hunz74

I hope “citibank” is better at math than spelling.

@SteveKoehler22

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

@animaldrumss

[overhears guy saying economy is bad]
[later, at family dinner] no trust me, the last thing you want is an economy. those things are so bad

@PearlsFromMyrna

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

@NicCageMatch

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

@AmishPornStar1

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

@TheAlexNevil

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

@ShanaRose21

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

@ericsshadow

Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”