The 5 second rule doesn’t count if you have a 3 second dog.

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I hope “citibank” is better at math than spelling.


Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.


[overhears guy saying economy is bad]
[later, at family dinner] no trust me, the last thing you want is an economy. those things are so bad


Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.


Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.


You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.


I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.


Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?


Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”