The 5 signs of laziness
1.
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wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
the greatest twitter interaction
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
In Canada they just call them geese
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I remember when things only cost an arm.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.