The 5 signs of laziness
1.
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Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
why I oughta
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.