The 5 signs of laziness
1.
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Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
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Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?