The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
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I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.