Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*

Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”

7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”

Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”

7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

confronts reality

pokes it in the eye

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

The decibel level of my car singing is not commensurate with my talent

JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent

let’s hear it for plates that are bowls

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient

400 fucking grocery carts to choose from and I always pick the Ford Pinto with a flat tire.

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.