The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
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hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
A man of commitment.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u