The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
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“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Aight bet
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages