Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.

911: what’s your location?

Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.

911: can you spell that for me?

Man: (pause)

911: Sir?

Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours

“It was a different time.”

“It was this morning.”

“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.

I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess

You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”

I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.