The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
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[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.