@itsfineimfinepd

The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?

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@shkeeber

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

@pleatedjeans

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

@DanMentos

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?

@TheAdly

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

@mjmimages

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

@howe007

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

@ericonederful

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

@GuyThe_Guy

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.