The 6 types of sex
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I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
…u ok Nintendo?
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable