Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:

No one

An atheist: I am an atheist btw

A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?

“This is a raw berry!”

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

*inventing the mirror*

“People don’t have enough to worry about.”

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.