Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.

Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?

9: You

Me: What about me?

9: You won’t think its as funny as we do

opens dishwasher…

Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

My loaf of bread looks terrified

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people