The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
You Might Also Like
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
THIS HEADLINE
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.