The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
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WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later