The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
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Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
shut up and take my money
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Yep.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
can’t bark with your mouth full
