The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
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BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
ok this is my dumbest yet
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Worth remembering.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
😂💯
