The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
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Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*