Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

neighborhood watch

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

🤣🤣

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.