The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
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My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.