The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
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To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up