The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
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How to walk around a museum
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
🤣dope
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
due date
