The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
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I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes