Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

Me: I think that’s Dave

Wife: It’s not Dave

Me: Gonna wave to him

Wife: Don’t!

Me: Hey Dave!

Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000

Me: It’s not Dave

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

i did the math

If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly