Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.

My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy

every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box

Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: 😮 hampire

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*