The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
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Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.