The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
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Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I didn’t know they can drive…
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?