Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

[during sex]

Hand me my reading glasses

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:

Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ

“OMG HOW”

Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

Nobody invites me to spa day…

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.

A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

That took me a moment.

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!

-Me eating Oreos

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”