The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
You Might Also Like
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Why does laundry happen to good people?
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
got so much cardio in today
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.