The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
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My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
something like this could probably happen to anyone
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf