The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
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The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
The days of good grammer has went
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.