The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
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Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind