I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
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I hope I get a good grade on my kids science project this year.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
My hamster, Max, was involved in a terrible accident. He must have fallen asleep at the wheel.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you