@MeDistracting

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

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@abhorrent_wife

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

@CaniacMONK

I hope I get a good grade on my kids science project this year.

@mysteryteacher

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

@jwoodham

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

@SteveSuckington

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

@MarionDowling

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

@boyswearmugler

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

@realHamOnWry

My hamster, Max, was involved in a terrible accident. He must have fallen asleep at the wheel.

@mom_tho

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

@DancesWithTamis

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you