@MeDistracting

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

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@Mendozaaa_j

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

@jergarl

My stages of awkward:

Sober me: I don’t know what to do with my hands

Drunk me: I don’t know what to do with my face

High me: What face?

@psybermonkey

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

@leapeajo

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

@Marlebean

My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.

@Dallani

Yes, 911?…
Yeah, this guy is wearing green-colored skinny jeans and he has a really hot girlfriend. So do I judge him…or her?

@abbycohenwl

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

@davidkenny100

*screaming as if in agony at a wedding

*rubs throat

There has to be an easier way.
– inventor of the bagpipes