The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
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Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Friday night party time 🥳
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.