Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”

“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”

-companies that obviously provide no training

No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

Nobody:

Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

Employees must applaud the planets.

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

Posting this on behalf of a friend

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

Kidnapper: we have your wife

Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.

It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

Police officer: please step out of your vehicle

me: after this song, hold on

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.