The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
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I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.