I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
The 9 circles of hell:
1) shopping on Black Friday
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At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Yelp is a great way to find out where garbage people will never eat again because one time a waitress forgot their honey mustard.
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.