The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
