The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
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My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.