The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
You Might Also Like
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Twitter fine art
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*