The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
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Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Always.
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Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.