The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
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[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.