The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
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Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
🤣
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar