Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth

Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people

Me: correcting people, actually

I: no it’s-

Me: i know what it says

Dentist: You grind at night.

Me: Oh, game recognize game.

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

Do not steal food from the science building!

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again

Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week

“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”

“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”

“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.