The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
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DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.