Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!

Me: I know

Hub: Pass the foot powder.

~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again

I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*