The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
You Might Also Like
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Attacked by a mop.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.