Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*

subtitles are so good nowadays

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…

Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

@funTweeters

It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.

Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them

I contain multitudes, Elizabeth

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?