Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.

The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH

you will never know the true number of layers

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?

Me: *sprints up stairs

Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?

Me: this is so us

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.

There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?