The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
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does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
japanese corn
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.