The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
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Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer