The A string on my guit_r is flat
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My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
*Likes every cat post that comes across my feed
Me: MY GOD why am I only seeing posts about cats
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Bloody internet 😳
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot